Conclusions of a year

As we scrub and sweep and dust our whole house in preparation for the newbies that are going to be here in 2 days, the realization that I have been here a year begins to really hit me. As different moments from the last 12 months come floating back through the dust-filled air, I realize how much this year has taught me. Never in my life have I failed so badly at something and kept going. Never have I been so humbled. Never have I been forced to have so much patience. 

Until now I have only really done things at which I knew I could succeed. Failure is my biggest fear in this world, so I would generally only choose activities and situations where I had a certain level of control and certainty of quick success. (Maybe the one major exception to this would be working as a server at Silver Fox---a job I still have nightmares from. Ha) Personal success was my #1 goal, and if I happened to find myself in a difficult situation in which I was not succeeding easily, I would beat myself up. Suddenly I’m stupid, inadequate, and a disappointment. I transferred these feelings into others too, fearing that everyone else was seeing me as an idiot and therefore not worthy of love.

This year has forced me to confront all of these things. I have learned that it is okay to fail. I’ve learned how to pick myself back up and push forward despite more looming failure.  I’ve learned to give up this desire to play God and have control over everything. I’ve realized that I don’t have to be perfect, and that certain people will still be there to love me when I stumble. And perhaps most important, I’ve learned to practice love and patience with myself despite these mistakes. My love for the God inside me has grown exponentially this year.

But this year has not only been difficult times. There have been many beautiful, real, and joyous moments as well. So much so that I am highly considering staying longer than the original amount of time. 

Anyway, I would like to dedicate this blog to all the people this year that have helped me dare to leave my comfort zone, love myself deeper, and grow into a better person.

Random Pieces that Make Up the Whole

Amazing Quote

On the way to work recently I have been repeating the following quote to help center myself before I start the day. I think it is beautiful! I first read the whole thing, and then I try to concentrate on each individual line.

“I now open my mind

to receive my good.

From this day forward

I give freely and fearlessly into life,

and life gives back to me in abundance.

I am indeed grateful,

and I let it be so.”

ReOrientation

We recently just had Re-Orientation, a retreat in the mountains of Nicaragua with a US JV staff member named Dan. We were all asked to deeply reflect on this past almost year as well as prepare ourselves for the future changes that soon await us. The time to breathe and reflect was needed, and I left feeling much more centered. We were asked to write mission statements for this next year, filled with our desires for this next year. Mine is as follows:

~I dare to:

Grow into myself

Give all that I can

Love each person I meet

Find Balance in a world of extremes

Search for truth

Smile with joy and thanksgiving

Be.~

Already a couple weeks out of retreat I’m finding this mission statement so challenging, but I have to keep trying.

Scary Bus Incident

This week as Heather and I were on the bus back from work, I was standing there trying to process my day when I saw a man very close to me holding a machete in the face of a guy sitting down. My first thought was that the guy was showing his new purchase to a friend, and in the next second I realized the guy with the machete was no friend—he was trying to rob him. People started screaming and we all ran to the back of the bus yelling for the driver to open the door. I looked around and couldn’t find Heather. The doors opened, and we all pushed out in chaos. Neither Heather nor I got hurt or robbed, but we were very shaken up. That marked the first time that I’ve felt unsafe in this country, and it was a good wake up call to the reality of violence that happens around us here.  

Giving

The idea of giving and being selfless is a constant theme throughout my time here. I feel like I am always questioning how I spend my stipend. What should I do with this money? Do I spend this abundance on myself or on others? How much do I save for myself before I start becoming selfish? In general, the thoughts have all tended towards feeling anxious and negative. Even when I did use my stipend selflessly, I was still wracked with doubts about whether it was the right choice. Then suddenly I had a conversation with a Nicaraguan friend who had the complete opposite perspective. She said now that she has a good job and makes a decent paycheck, she genuinely enjoys inviting other people to treats or doing things for other with her extra money. I realized that I had taken something so beautiful and turned it into something horrible and stressful. I don’t think I should stop being intentional about where my stipend goes, but I think I was overlooking the essential joy that there is to be found in having a little extra and loving someone else enough to give.

Strangers vs. Acquaintances

One day someone said to me, ¨I used to be rude to cab drivers when they honk and try to get my attention, but then I realized that a lot them are parents of the kids I have in school. Now I try to be nice just in case.¨ A similar thing happened to me once in the US. Once I was driving to work behind this car that was going rather slow. I almost sped around and cut him off because I was running a little late. I remember feeling grateful that I didn´t, though, when I realized the car was going to my work too, and it was a parent of one of the kids at day camp. I found this mentality to be intriguing. Am I only nice to people that I know or potentially might come into contact with later? What makes someone I know deserve more patience or love than someone I won´t ever see again?

Presidential debates

We watched the presidential debate a couple weeks ago on international affairs. The moment it came on the TV, I suddenly felt stressed. I thought, This is my country. This is how we talk and interact with each other. I think just the nature of debate in general makes me feel uneasy--Lots of talking loudly. No one listening. Lack of Respect. Stubbornness. One person right, the other wrong. All or Nothing. The Need to Defend Oneself Against an Enemy. How can we expect our leaders to work to achieve life and dignity for the human beings in our country if they can´t even treat each other that way? It makes me frustrated that the people can´t just have a conversation. 

IPone5 Convo with Silvia

Awhile ago one of my co-workers told me that she saw on TV that the new iPhone5 just came out, and that some people were camped out in front of the store for 3 days prior in order to insure that they were able to buy this new product. She then said, “Es un pecado!” (It’s a sin!). She said that so many people just think that because they aren’t killing people (or things like that), that they aren’t doing anything bad. They don’t see what it is they really do (or don’t do). She said that those people are sinning because they are putting this THING before PEOPLE. I also wondered in my head how many of those people already had perfectly good working phones.

Playing in the rain day

Last week as Heather and I were ending aerobics class, it started pouring rain. Even though Nicaraguans have this dire fear of the rain, I had this major urge to go play in it. I tried to convince the little girls from our class to go out with me, but in the end I was alone. I ran out, jumped in the hugest puddle I could find, slipped, and immediately fell down. I didn’t let that stop me. I laid down in the middle of the basketball court and made water angels. Then the girls told me I should go down the slide. AWESOME IDEA!, I thought. But that metal slide was so slick that I shot right off, skidding two feet past the end. For the next week I couldn’t sleep on the left side of my body. I’m still trying to decide if it was vale la pena (worth the pain). haha

So those are a few random parts of my life here. Hope you are all doing well!!

Independence

A couple weeks ago I had my evaluation. My co-workers stated that I am too independent and that I need to work better with the team. I’ve always known that I don’t work very well in groups, so that wasn’t too big a surprise. The thing that I found interesting was the negative connotation that was associated with “independent.” In the United States if someone calls you independent, it is a high complement. Here, it implies that you are egotistical, selfish, and outside of relationship. Independent people are not communicating and working with the community, for the good of the community.

And they have a point--too much independence can be unhealthy. As much as I would really like to just do everything on my own and how I want it to be done, I need to learn to work in a team. I have to learn when to use my voice and suggestions and then when to listen and follow. I have to learn to trust that I’m not the only person that can do things right. This ability of being able to work in a group does not only apply to jobs, however. It also applies to communal living—whether it be in our intentional JV community, a married couple, a family, a society, and/or our world. All of these could be bettered with a little less independence and a little more communal thought and action.

It is so ingrained in our culture to be independent that I think we even equate independence with freedom. Here I am learning that this quest for independence tends to border greatly on selfishness, which in turn tends to go limiting the freedom of many other people. Our world can’t possibly survive if everyone tries to live independent lives. We are all here trying to share this Earth, so by default we are all participating in a type of communal living. No one is outside. Even if you lived on an uninhabited island by yourself, you would still be part of the community, as the air you breathe is still connected with the air that everyone else breathes and pollutes in this world.

Unfortunately with communal living comes compromise and sacrifice. We might not always come out with everything that we personally want, but if the broader picture looks healthy, then we need to be okay with conceding a bit. We have to realize that although it may feel like we are each the center of the universe, we are only one part of something much larger.

I will leave you with a quote by MLK Jr. that I think is relevant to this blog:

“In a real sense all life is interrelated. All…are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought t be until I am what I ought to be. This is the inter-related structure of reality.”

Love, Jana

 

Social Business

At the moment I am in the middle of reading Creating a World Without Poverty: Social Business and the Future of Capitalism by Muhammad Yunus (the man that is known for starting micro-lending banks). I wish so much that I had started reading it earlier!! The man is a genius! He writes that while many non-profits, NGOs and foundations do good work in our society, the fact that they can only survive through donations can make them unstable and unsustainable. Also, leaders of these types of services end up dedicating a great chunk of time to finding and raising this money—time that could be spent in the pursuit of the project’s true goal of serving society. Instead, we should be looking at creating programs and projects that are self-sustaining (aka. over time they can support themselves). 

For Yunus, the answer to the world’s humanitarian issues is to combine this idea of bettering society with the self-sustaining idea of business. This can be done in a few different ways. One way would be to start a business that deals with a social need but does not see profit as its main objective. While some profit is necessary to allow for expansion and betterment of services, this idea of making as much money as you can to please your personal bank account and your stock holders is not at the first concern. He gives the example of a social business that,

“manufactures and sells high-quality nutritious food products at very low prices to a targeted market of the poor and underfed children. These products can be cheaper because they do not compete in the luxury market and therefore don’t require costly packaging or advertising, and because the company that sells them is not compelled to maximize its profit.”

Another type of social business is to set up what we would consider a normal “profit-maximizing” business, but this business is staffed and eventually owned by the poor or oppressed people of society. This type will allow the poor to take matters directly into their own hands, giving them the opportunity to use their own skills and knowledge to work their way out of poverty.

I have been thinking a lot about this idea of social business lately, and it very much intrigues me. I have even been trying to apply the idea to my work here in Nicaragua. While the micro-lending bank in which I work has proven to be (although not perfect), a great example of social business put into practice, the rest of project of Proyecto Generando Vida does not seem as stable. Our director spends a lot of time finding donors each year to cover the costs that the many other programs we offer consume. Therefore, I have been asking myself, ‘what could we do to make our project more sustainable?’ I actually thought of a few ideas, but with my lack of business background, I don’t yet trust that they could actually work.

 But the fact that I am so fascinated and inspired by this concept of social business is making me think about whether or not I would possibly like to try something in this area in the future…? Does anyone know of a social business school? Haha

-Jana

P.S. I would like to give a special thanks to my Dad who gave me that book to read, along with the “Case for Social Enterprise” packet that he just sent me in the mail. If you read this, Dad, I would love to talk to you more about how you have been trying to incorporate this idea more into ACH!

Simplicity

I recently read the ‘Send Me to Serve’ fundraising page of one of the new JVs that will be coming in December, and one thing she wrote significantly struck me. She wrote that the vow to simple living that we take during these two years is NOT a vow to poverty. Simple living is a choice to love the Earth. It is a choice to rid our lives of unnecessary things. It is a choice to move towards a greater happiness. Poverty on the other hand is many times not a choice. It is the oppressive and painful force that many of the women in my banks struggle with daily.

I may live more simply here, but I definitely do not live in poverty.  I have regular meals, my rent/light/water/phone bills are easily paid each month, I have good health insurance, and on top of this, JVC gives me a stipend--I have everything I need and a little extra.  And I am so, so happy.

 I think this is why it always seemed weird to me when people would say things like, “Oh poor you!” when I tell them about some of the aspects of our simple lifestyles here:

No car
No washing machine/dryer
No dish washer
No cell phone
No internet
No TV
No hot water heater
No air condition
Less variety of diet
& Less space for privacy

Yes, sometimes these can be agitating, but in many ways I feel that my life here has allowed me to find a new kind of liberation. I feel more in touch with myself and with those around me. I appreciate things/moments more. I feel closer to the Earth.

I realize many of the items on the list above are products of technology, but I don’t want you to think that I’m saying all technology is inherently bad. Hell, I’m using technology right now to communicate all of this to you! In moderation, things like cell phones and internet can be very useful and lead to many good things. For example, I heard that when the computer was first becoming widely distributed in the U.S., people thought it would revolutionize the work place—everyone could get their work done in half the time and therefore only work half as much! Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be how things turned out. I think many of us have attached ourselves to machines and the latest technology thinking that it will make our lives easier and better, but many times we become more stressed and less happy. The United States may be one of the most efficient and well-connected places in the world due to technology, but what does this matter if we cannot be truly loving and present to ourselves, the person sitting next to us, the Earth, and God? For me, simple living seems to be a giant step in the right direction towards all of those. 

Pues, with all that being said…..While I have learned a lot in my 8 months here, I recognize that I am still not the biggest expert on simple living. If any of you have thoughts/experiences to share or differing points of view, I would love to hear them.

Thanks for reading. : )

-Jana  

My Birthday

Wow. I already knew I was loved, but last week for my birthday it was made quite apparent! My birthday celebration actually began the Saturday before, as I decided that it would probably be better to go out and celebrate on the weekend rather than in the middle of the week. We rounded up all the JVs from my house and Ciudad Sandino, and we ate a dinner of pizza, gallo pinto, and a very odd version of jell-o cake that I attempted to make. Then we went out dancing at the Bosque, where we met up with Jennifer (one of my friends from the bank) and ALL of her family, our friend Jorge that Heather and I danced with in Carnaval, and Matt and Ana (Cap Corps volunteers). We had a great night of dancing, and I went to bed satisfied that we had celebrated well. Little did I know, this was only the start of everything. 

                The following Tuesday (the actual day of my birthday), I am woken up at 6:00am to a wonderful rendition of Las Mananitas by my housemates Chelsea, Heather, and Megan. This is the Nicaraguan tradition on a person’s birthday--although the choreography they added was new. They had also made me a breakfast of banana/oatmeal bread with a side of banana/oatmeal shake. Haha. It was amazing! I also opened the 5 cards that my dad sent me, the card my whole family sent, and my birthday package from Brittney. I went to work feeling so loved. Again, little did I know that this was still only the beginning…

     Once I got to work, I started preparing for my 4 groups of women that I have on Tuesdays. The first one was a little complicated because the group was going to close the cycle, meaning that everyone needed to have their loan paid back by that day. So I was actually thinking about other things when suddenly the first group of women entered the bank with balloons, gifts, soda, and a cake from Pricemart. They also sang Las Mananitas, said a prayer for me, and gave me a bunch of hugs. It was so sweet of them.

       I managed to get through the second group without anything happening since they didn’t know it was my birthday, but then I went to the house where we eat lunch each day. Dona Sobeyda and her family surprised me with a gift of a bag and a very beautiful artisan figurine from Masaya of a rather sexy woman holding a basket of fruit and vegetables. On her bare leg is written “Para Jana con mucho carino.”

I was really starting to feel spoiled at this point. But of course after lunch, the next group of women continued the festivities. One woman made a sign that said “Felicidades Hanna,” and the group made Vigoron (a Nicaraguan dish that is rather expensive and eaten on special occasions). Again I received more hugs, prayers, and Las Mananitas. :)

      Finally, at 5 the work day ended, but instead of going home right away, I went to Jennifer’s house. She told me that we were going to cook chicken for my birthday. I was still really full from everything else, but I couldn’t say no. She showed me how to cook the chicken, we talked and ate, and at 8:00, we decided I should probably go home. I walked to the bus stop with all my bags of presents, got on a bus, and went home. 

      But then I walk in the door and find Jorge, Fidencio, Bayardo, and other Jorge all sitting in our front room with a bottle of rum, listening to music and goofing around. Apparently they had been waiting there for me since 6:00! Suddenly Jorge is asking me if I have nail polish remover because he’s going to paint my finger and toenails. I was super confused and thought I didn’t understand him correctly, but I was right. He wanted to clean and paint my nails. He spent about an hour and a half decorating my nails with elaborate colors and designs, and I was amazed at the care he took.

       Also during this time, I was receiving a billion calls. My parents called to sing me happy birthday and ask how I was doing. Also, each person from the Ciudad Sandino house called me individually. I guess I’m kind of known to their house as the awkward, random caller…since I always call their house with random things to say. They took this and ran with it. Elspeth called and wished me happy birthday in a British accent, Jenn screamed a lot, Tony made a joke about my large boobs, and Adrienne sang the entire Toxic song by Britney Spears.

So wow…I am so loved. Thank you to everyone that made this week so special!

El Medio Ambiente

Last Sunday we had a convivencia for work. (This is the word they use for communal living…cool right! It shows a lot about this culture that they have a specific word for this.) For convivencia, every person that works at Proyecto Generando Vida comes together and we talk about a certain topic and participate in activities. This last week, in honor of Earth Day, we talked about things that we do or don’t do to preserve the Earth and its creatures on three different levels: personally, in the project, and in the larger community. My coworkers mostly ended up talking about how terrible we are at this task. At the project we many times leave lights on after we leave a room, we often use small plastic bags to serve out frescos during events, and we waste water by watering the dirt in front of the project. I agreed that yes, the project could do a better job in some areas to preserve and protect the environment, but as we sat there in the open galerón on this hot day, using only the sun for light and the occasional breeze for air condition, I realized how much better they are than any other project I’ve seen in the United States. Maybe my coworkers do throw away leaves in the trash instead of putting them in my compost, and maybe they do leave lights on even after they’ve left rooms…but in general our project does an amazing job. 

In regard to the environment, lately we’ve been talking about how throwing trash in the garbage as opposed to on the street doesn’t actually do anything to really help the environment. It is just moving it from one place to another…and hopefully to a place where we can just forget that it exists. 

Also, I am convinced that the Recycle, Reuse, Reduce campaign could use another R. I think Repair should be added. Lately I have been trying to do this. We took our clock to be repaired instead of buying a new one, a coworker and I dyed our black pants back to a darker shade, a woman from the bank just sewed in the waist on another pair of pants so that I won’t have to keep pulling them up, and today I went to the market where they sewed my Converses so that now the bottom  doesn’t flap around anymore. 

I would just like to challenge everyone at home to do the same. 

Also, I just put some pictures up on facebook if anyone wants to look!

People

My time here has been filled with many stories—some my own, some from others. As I sit here at my 6.5 month mark, I am going to share a few. 

Damaris
           On Thursdays and Fridays we go visit the women that receive loans in their houses. This Friday we went to visit a woman named Damaris. She excitedly receives Silvia and me and looks for a couple chairs for us. She is in the middle of feeding her two boys, one a year old and the other 8. The 8-year-old has a severe disability, and he cannot even sit up on his own. During our conversation, she patiently feeds a pink mush to both whining children. At one point she accidentally drops the cup with the pink mush, and a bit spills out on the dirt floor. Without skipping a beat, she continues to talk as she picks up the cup, gets a broom, sweeps the ruined food out the door, and continues to feed her boys. Damaris is in many ways the epitome of women in Nicaragua that I have met…full of sacrifice and love.

Gustavo
          I was walking home from work one night, and a guy walking in front of me stops suddenly and turns around to look at me. It kind of startled me so I jumped off the curb to put some distance between us. He then tells me that I don’t need to be afraid of him, and we just started talking. It turns out his name is Gustavo, and he is on his way to his usual awning so that if it rains tonight, he won’t get wet. We arrive at the place where we are to part ways, and I say “Que le pase una buena noche,” (Have a good night!) and suddenly his composure changes. He says, “No one is going to believe me! They’re all going to think I’m crazy! The Virgin Mary appearing to me!? I’m only a drunk and a sinner! Please pray over me!” He gets down on his knees in front of me like he’s going to worship me. I tell him to please get up because we are both humans and both equals, and he should not be doing that. He gets up and hands me the small bags of bleach and laundry detergent that he is holding, saying they are presents for me. I try hard to give them back, but he won’t take them. Again he asks me to pray over him, a sinner. I didn’t really know what to do… In the end I just put my hand on his head and rubbed it a bit. Then I said goodbye, and I haven’t seen him since. 

Hector
          For the entire month of May we had Fontaneros (Plumbers) fixing all of the water tubes in our house, as we had a few major leaks that were causing our water bill to be 2000 Cords instead of the normal 80 Cords. In this time, we ended up becoming friends with the hardworking plumbers Hector and Edgar. One night after they were done working, Hector told us his life story—how he had been recruited to fight in the Nicaraguan Revolution. At 12 years old, he was planting mines in the mountains to blow up his opponents. Later after the revolution, he traveled through those lands again and came across many children without arms and legs. He then realized the damage he had caused, and was deeply affected. He turned to alcohol and drugs to help ease the pain and guilt he felt. During this time he was homeless, and a few times he was violently robbed. He told us that one day he suddenly realized how stupid he was being, and he vowed to change his life. Now he works a pool cleaner at a university and as a freelance plumber. 

Jennifer
                Only one woman from the banks comes to Heather and I’s Dance/Aerobics Class regularly. This woman is named Jennifer, and over time she has become my best Nicaraguan friend so far in this country.  A couple weekends ago she invited me to go out dancing with some friends and family for her 31^st birthday. We went to Casa del Obrero (including her 2 sons—one 12 years old and the other 1), and we all danced Cumbia from 5pm-10pm. Although I don’t really like Cumbia that much, we all had so much fun. Jennifer and her family are so kind and inviting, that I feel almost a part of the family.

Guadalupe

                We went to visit Doña Lupita in her house one day, and she excitedly welcomed us to sit under the huge avocado tree with her. She (like almost everyone) originally answers our “Cómo estás?” question with a “Bien, gracias a Dios,” but upon sitting there listening to her talk for 15 minutes about various things, she starts to cry. She talks about how her sons are robbers, and how the police come to her house many times looking for them. She says that she loves them so much, but that no one cares about her. She could die tomorrow and no one would notice. 

Random Woman at the Bus Stop

                One day I was waiting for the MR-4 bus when I notice that a very thin woman with a few bags is going through a trash bag nearby that is filled with pineapple and papaya peels. She carefully goes through the bag, picking out all the papaya skin slices and then putting them in her bag. I stood there for a few minutes horrified. Was she really going to eat that?! I wanted to ask her, but I was embarrassed. After a few more minutes, I got the courage, and I asked her what she was planning on doing with the peels. She looks up at me, smiles, and says in Spanish, “Oh well I am going to feed them to my pigs…they don’t like the pineapple, but this papaya will work fine. Thanks for asking!” 

Esperanza

                Recently I led an activity in the bank where each woman had to pick out a question from a bag and answer it in front of the group. Esperanza picked the question, “If you could trade places with one person for a month, who would it be?” She quickly answers her husband because he gets to travel around and do things.

 This is only a fraction of all the stories I carry here in Nicaragua. Every day I am filled with the beauty and tragedy that I see, hear, and am slowly coming to understand. I think I could go on forever. I am so grateful to all those that have opened up and shared with me.