Random Pieces that Make Up the Whole

Amazing Quote

On the way to work recently I have been repeating the following quote to help center myself before I start the day. I think it is beautiful! I first read the whole thing, and then I try to concentrate on each individual line.

“I now open my mind

to receive my good.

From this day forward

I give freely and fearlessly into life,

and life gives back to me in abundance.

I am indeed grateful,

and I let it be so.”

ReOrientation

We recently just had Re-Orientation, a retreat in the mountains of Nicaragua with a US JV staff member named Dan. We were all asked to deeply reflect on this past almost year as well as prepare ourselves for the future changes that soon await us. The time to breathe and reflect was needed, and I left feeling much more centered. We were asked to write mission statements for this next year, filled with our desires for this next year. Mine is as follows:

~I dare to:

Grow into myself

Give all that I can

Love each person I meet

Find Balance in a world of extremes

Search for truth

Smile with joy and thanksgiving

Be.~

Already a couple weeks out of retreat I’m finding this mission statement so challenging, but I have to keep trying.

Scary Bus Incident

This week as Heather and I were on the bus back from work, I was standing there trying to process my day when I saw a man very close to me holding a machete in the face of a guy sitting down. My first thought was that the guy was showing his new purchase to a friend, and in the next second I realized the guy with the machete was no friend—he was trying to rob him. People started screaming and we all ran to the back of the bus yelling for the driver to open the door. I looked around and couldn’t find Heather. The doors opened, and we all pushed out in chaos. Neither Heather nor I got hurt or robbed, but we were very shaken up. That marked the first time that I’ve felt unsafe in this country, and it was a good wake up call to the reality of violence that happens around us here.  

Giving

The idea of giving and being selfless is a constant theme throughout my time here. I feel like I am always questioning how I spend my stipend. What should I do with this money? Do I spend this abundance on myself or on others? How much do I save for myself before I start becoming selfish? In general, the thoughts have all tended towards feeling anxious and negative. Even when I did use my stipend selflessly, I was still wracked with doubts about whether it was the right choice. Then suddenly I had a conversation with a Nicaraguan friend who had the complete opposite perspective. She said now that she has a good job and makes a decent paycheck, she genuinely enjoys inviting other people to treats or doing things for other with her extra money. I realized that I had taken something so beautiful and turned it into something horrible and stressful. I don’t think I should stop being intentional about where my stipend goes, but I think I was overlooking the essential joy that there is to be found in having a little extra and loving someone else enough to give.

Strangers vs. Acquaintances

One day someone said to me, ¨I used to be rude to cab drivers when they honk and try to get my attention, but then I realized that a lot them are parents of the kids I have in school. Now I try to be nice just in case.¨ A similar thing happened to me once in the US. Once I was driving to work behind this car that was going rather slow. I almost sped around and cut him off because I was running a little late. I remember feeling grateful that I didn´t, though, when I realized the car was going to my work too, and it was a parent of one of the kids at day camp. I found this mentality to be intriguing. Am I only nice to people that I know or potentially might come into contact with later? What makes someone I know deserve more patience or love than someone I won´t ever see again?

Presidential debates

We watched the presidential debate a couple weeks ago on international affairs. The moment it came on the TV, I suddenly felt stressed. I thought, This is my country. This is how we talk and interact with each other. I think just the nature of debate in general makes me feel uneasy--Lots of talking loudly. No one listening. Lack of Respect. Stubbornness. One person right, the other wrong. All or Nothing. The Need to Defend Oneself Against an Enemy. How can we expect our leaders to work to achieve life and dignity for the human beings in our country if they can´t even treat each other that way? It makes me frustrated that the people can´t just have a conversation. 

IPone5 Convo with Silvia

Awhile ago one of my co-workers told me that she saw on TV that the new iPhone5 just came out, and that some people were camped out in front of the store for 3 days prior in order to insure that they were able to buy this new product. She then said, “Es un pecado!” (It’s a sin!). She said that so many people just think that because they aren’t killing people (or things like that), that they aren’t doing anything bad. They don’t see what it is they really do (or don’t do). She said that those people are sinning because they are putting this THING before PEOPLE. I also wondered in my head how many of those people already had perfectly good working phones.

Playing in the rain day

Last week as Heather and I were ending aerobics class, it started pouring rain. Even though Nicaraguans have this dire fear of the rain, I had this major urge to go play in it. I tried to convince the little girls from our class to go out with me, but in the end I was alone. I ran out, jumped in the hugest puddle I could find, slipped, and immediately fell down. I didn’t let that stop me. I laid down in the middle of the basketball court and made water angels. Then the girls told me I should go down the slide. AWESOME IDEA!, I thought. But that metal slide was so slick that I shot right off, skidding two feet past the end. For the next week I couldn’t sleep on the left side of my body. I’m still trying to decide if it was vale la pena (worth the pain). haha

So those are a few random parts of my life here. Hope you are all doing well!!

Independence

A couple weeks ago I had my evaluation. My co-workers stated that I am too independent and that I need to work better with the team. I’ve always known that I don’t work very well in groups, so that wasn’t too big a surprise. The thing that I found interesting was the negative connotation that was associated with “independent.” In the United States if someone calls you independent, it is a high complement. Here, it implies that you are egotistical, selfish, and outside of relationship. Independent people are not communicating and working with the community, for the good of the community.

And they have a point--too much independence can be unhealthy. As much as I would really like to just do everything on my own and how I want it to be done, I need to learn to work in a team. I have to learn when to use my voice and suggestions and then when to listen and follow. I have to learn to trust that I’m not the only person that can do things right. This ability of being able to work in a group does not only apply to jobs, however. It also applies to communal living—whether it be in our intentional JV community, a married couple, a family, a society, and/or our world. All of these could be bettered with a little less independence and a little more communal thought and action.

It is so ingrained in our culture to be independent that I think we even equate independence with freedom. Here I am learning that this quest for independence tends to border greatly on selfishness, which in turn tends to go limiting the freedom of many other people. Our world can’t possibly survive if everyone tries to live independent lives. We are all here trying to share this Earth, so by default we are all participating in a type of communal living. No one is outside. Even if you lived on an uninhabited island by yourself, you would still be part of the community, as the air you breathe is still connected with the air that everyone else breathes and pollutes in this world.

Unfortunately with communal living comes compromise and sacrifice. We might not always come out with everything that we personally want, but if the broader picture looks healthy, then we need to be okay with conceding a bit. We have to realize that although it may feel like we are each the center of the universe, we are only one part of something much larger.

I will leave you with a quote by MLK Jr. that I think is relevant to this blog:

“In a real sense all life is interrelated. All…are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought t be until I am what I ought to be. This is the inter-related structure of reality.”

Love, Jana