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         This week the topics of white privilege and U.S. imperialism came up a lot, and I’ve been thinking about them a great deal. I have started to wonder if me being here in Nicaragua just supports both of these. I feel like all my reasons for choosing to volunteer abroad rather than in my own country are all selfish, and in the end I will actually do less for the world than if I had done JVC national. Yes, I am learning a lot about myself and about the world, but what am I really actually doing here? I feel like I’m just wasting space and money. Wouldn’t it be better if I had stayed in my own country where I could actually have a say on justice and political issues? Wouldn’t it be better if they took all the money that JVC is spending on me being here and instead used it to employ a Nicaraguan who may actually be able to do my job better? I feel so confused. I really love being here in Nicaragua, but am I just taking advantage of my white privilege and playing into U.S. imperialism? By being here, am I just making Nicaragua more dependent on U.S. charity, reinforcing this idea that Nicaragua is helpless and that they need the big strong U.S. to come in and “fix” everything? Where is the search for self-sustentation in my job so that maybe one day volunteers won’t need to come here anymore? That’s the big picture, right?...to make it so that one day Nicaragua will not need foreign volunteers?

        The only thing that I have found comfort in is just trying to form relationships with people—equal, loving relationships. As a white foreigner here, this is usually difficult because no matter what, people tend to see me as something special, but I am still trying. Some of the relationships that I am forming with women in my banks are beautiful. I like to think that they would shower me with the love and care they give me no matter what skin color I wore. I just hope I can make them feel as worthy and loved as they make me feel each day. I think this is going to be my main goal for the rest of my time here in Nicaragua. If I can help at least one person feel loved and cared for, then maybe all the money JVC is spending on me will be worth it.