As we scrub and sweep and dust our whole
house in preparation for the newbies that are going to be here in 2 days, the
realization that I have been here a year begins to really hit me. As different
moments from the last 12 months come floating back through the dust-filled air,
I realize how much this year has taught me. Never in my life have I failed so
badly at something and kept going. Never have I been so humbled. Never have I
been forced to have so much patience.
Until now I have only really done things at
which I knew I could succeed. Failure is my biggest fear in this world, so I
would generally only choose activities and situations where I had a certain
level of control and certainty of quick success. (Maybe the one major exception
to this would be working as a server at Silver Fox---a job I still have
nightmares from. Ha) Personal success was my #1 goal, and if I happened to find
myself in a difficult situation in which I was not succeeding easily, I would
beat myself up. Suddenly I’m stupid, inadequate, and a disappointment. I
transferred these feelings into others too, fearing that everyone else was
seeing me as an idiot and therefore not worthy of love.
This year has forced me to confront all of
these things. I have learned that it is okay to fail. I’ve learned how to pick
myself back up and push forward despite more looming failure. I’ve learned to give up this desire to play
God and have control over everything. I’ve realized that I don’t have to be
perfect, and that certain people will still be there to love me when I stumble.
And perhaps most important, I’ve learned to practice love and patience with
myself despite these mistakes. My love for the God inside me has grown
exponentially this year.
But this year has not only been difficult times. There have been many beautiful, real, and joyous moments as well. So much so that I am highly considering staying longer than the original amount of time.
Anyway, I would like to dedicate
this blog to all the people this year that have helped me dare to leave my
comfort zone, love myself deeper, and grow into a better
person.
